Through Thick and Thin

Last night I can honestly say was the closest I have ever been to suicide in my whole life,

I broke down completely, just nothing seemed worth living for any more, I had rationalised that everyone would be fine and capable to go on without me and that I was just another breath in the air,

The thing is that I have been collecting pills for over 2 years now, 1 box filled with anything from sleeping pills to painkillers, right through to caffeine tablets.That was my safety net, my way out. And when I couldn't handle it any more I got into my car, took that box with me and went over to my Boyfriends house, he asked me last week to start seeing a psychologist because he can see that I'm depressed.

So I thought he'd be able to help, and just seeing him makes me smile so hard I can't get that smirk off my face for hours.

We got into my car, he drove me to the lake and next moment he throws the box into the water screaming 'Take that mofo' and takes my hand, I just couldn't believe how easy it was for him to throw it out and that it took me 2 years to give it to him, I just feel like this huge weight was lifted yesterday, I can breathe easier today, smile a bit without pretending,

Yeah so I cut and I'm still fasting but I'm going to try to stop, I want to be okay again, I want to be perfect for him, he deserves nothing less, I want to spend my life with that man, my green eyed hero.

Relief exists.

Finally Broke 50's!

You would think I'd be happy? Mmmm

Not so much, I am down to 48 Kg's ,only 5 more to go, but I'm more down in the dumps today than Ive been in a while, it sucks.

I just want to be happy, atleast for 24 freakin hours, I'm doing this to be happy,

why am I not then????

Just really tired of this, I don't want this anymore.

Rough Week

So I wish for some weight loss and I get Mia's Promise, like marriage she stays with me, though only through sickness and not in health. Kinda person I would call a bitch.

Had a rough week (Cue Title) got a pain starting in my stomach, radiating through my back ,thank all heavenly doctors for those pills my McDreamy provided, he was more like McPervert though.

I got down to 49 Kg's FINALLY! Broke the 50's...But now the fight continues...and down to 43 we go, According to some magic freakin website I should be there by the 28th of September, which is just awesome with me, Only one problem remains.Parents.

Wouldn't life be grand without their constant scrutinizing?? Anyone Agree with me? Wow my Mom is like the Bat out of hell,checking every last crumb, 'Your not eating' 'Your eating the wrong things' 'I think you  might have a problem' 'You have your Dad worried'

But Mom, one thing you have to know about me is:

-I am sick, I am tired, I am more willing to let this go than anyone you will find, BUT I won't, because she won't let me, you tell Ana that she is ugly, tell Mia that she is fat, because no matter what you think, when I look in the mirror all I see is the person on this planet I hate the most, the ugly duckling never even inkling towards a swan.

Life's a Bitch and then you die, I'm just helping life along.