"What's Your Secret?"

Haven't posted since 20th of September I think, so naturally in all blogging glory I return to vent yet again,

Recap of what happened in one month ,turned 21 (no drinks for me, because I don't need the calories), birthday cake? None. Gifts, pretty awesome, I will be the girl walking down the street listening to my iTouch with Ray Ban Wayfarers ,tuning into U2 to prepare for the live concert, I will be the girl you envy...for a minute, then you will notice my hideous thighs and walk away feeling skinny and accomplished,

Listen up 'wannarexics and wannamia's' ,you DO NOT want to get into this, I fucking hate this disorder, and I know it is one, I realise I'm sick, but I deserve every second of this and not one second of sympathy, I brought this onto myself, and I'll deal with it myself too, no need for a helping hand,

I had a friend, who huddled me into the crook of her shoulder and with the smile of the devil asked me "what's your secret?" 

In 1.5 seconds my mind accumulated the following answer, with a sly smile on my face I would have said: 

"you really want in? You go to that full body mirror in your room, and scrutinize every inch of yourself, better get started now, because there are a thousand more inches you haven't realised you had before, it might take awhile. And once you notice those little dents that weren't there before, you think up a plan so devious ,so cunning, so damn smart, you won't even realise you were signing your contract to purchase a whole load full of insanity, oh and meeting two new friends, their beautiful, everything you want to be, there collarbones are perfect, hips jutting out, every rib can be counted, you can climb into the birdcage, 

Don't be afraid, they will be very welcoming, make sure to get their names, because months maybe years from now they will be the only ones who still love you, you will be taught how to lie, how to pretend, how to sit at night and think about dissapearing with them, into nothingness. And this will never stop.

So here is the secret, eat that biscuit but remember to get rid of it later with your hand down your throat, or leave the biscuit, and every other crumb of nutrition, because you will one day believe that apple you just had is adding to your boasting stomach,

Learn to love your bones, they will be all you think about, all you scream about, all you dream off, all you have left after everyone else has left.

But instead I just lied, as always ,as I always will "regular exercise, healthy eating".

As I said, I fucking hate this disorder. 

Venting Session 1 complete, don't worry 2 will follow.