I'm Tired and Changing

It's almost Midnight in South Africa,

I just finished purging (sorry to those who don't like it) I came up to my room and started cutting...I don' mean for this to be depressing, but here is how I'm feeling:

-physically tired

-emotionally tired

-angry

-sad

-irritated

-weak

-disappointed

-motivated

-determined

I have finally reached breaking point, the part where I don't care what the HELL anyone thinks, not my boyfriend ,not my friends, not my family, just o one except anyone willing to hear me out!?

I'm tired of constantly thinking of food, of weighing, of counting calories, of just being alive now and again, feeling fat and ugly is tiring, HEAR THAT WORLD?? It's Tiring!

I'm tired of pretending, so next time my boyfriend tells me to eat, I'll say no straight to his face, because ANA and MIA are with me, they want what's best for me, and you want me according to your standards! And your standards don't fit into my size jeans!

I will fast because I enjoy feeling empty, I'll eat when I absolutely HAVE to, but you won't stop me anymore!

I'm tired and I'm changing.

Failure

As always I experience failure...lost my MP3...thus I exercise less...and actually stopped fasting to start restricting, I haven't quite been Ana at all these past two weeks, only Mia, I'm on exactly the same weight though.

Blogging only happens when I can't write in my diary and hence I lost my special diary pen (yes I'm OCD on that shit) So I haven't been writing in my diary, my mother and BF are FORCING me to eat and I'm not allowed  to lock the bathroom door...but they go to bed at night...I don't.

I'm not in the mood for venting, I just don't want to cut, I'm eating some corn and peas right now, and we know what's going to happen after this, my little friend 'Ipecac' is visiting.

I just want to take it slowly, almost got hospitalized on Friday, and I know I have these suicidal tendencies (messed p word) but I wasn't ready.

I'm Out.

Strawberry Gashes

I ate at the 21st Birthday and then yesterday was Fathers-Day so I had some lunch, my fasting started again today until Sunday, on Monday the 28th I'll start the ABC diet and hopefully get my piercing.

I am 1 Kg away from my 1st milestone weight, 50 Kg's. And after the fast I'll be heading for Goal Weight Number 2 ,47 Kg.

It's Soccer fever and seeing as I live in the host country, we get off early tomorrow.

On more serious note...or I guess life and time consuming, my thoughts are all over the place, I have been contemplating the worst thoughts, and I don't think cutting is enough this time, I'm just so tired of trying, and more than tired, ready but too scared of dying.

My BF just seems so disinterested these past 2 weeks and truly... I can't handle it, some days I just want to tell him everything, but then he would actually want me to stop what I'm doing, and I really don't want to right now. He told me that I'm getting too skinny...Have you ever felt that to be the wrong thing??? Because I haven't, it's just motivation, I'll stop when I feel it's enough...and that's not now.

Venting Session for today done...strawberry urgencies only making their appearances now.

Goodnight South Africa...Hello Fasting day 2.

21st Parties...The Fight Begins

Okay, so it's my friends birthday and he is turning 21, it is a huge deal. I've got my outfit planned ,(going as either Joan Jett from The Runaways, or Jane from The Twilight Saga) ,But the only thing I'm worried about is that I cheat tonight, I have been fasting for 5 Days with only water but tonight everyone will be watching, I'm just praying they don't notice. I've already lost 5 Kg's this week, so it might be noticeable.

I'm still feeling fine, just a bit woozy now and then when I get up, and my muscles are a bit sore, but the empty feeling in my stomach is the best feeling I can ask for, usually after I binged this is the feeling I crave.

That's all for today,

Skip Dinner And End Up Thinner!

xoxo

Fasting

I have been fasting for 3 days now and my stats at the moment are as follow:

Highest Weight: 67 Kg (148 lbs)

Current Weight: 53 Kg (116 lbs)

Lowest Weight: 47 Kg (103 lbs)

Goal Weight: 45 Kg (99 lbs)

I am starting to feel faint and my heart rate is slowing down but I need to fast for 10 Days, I need some tips on how to regain some energy WITHOUT eating, on the 28th of June I will start with the ABC diet and continue to do so until I reach my goal.

For today that's all, I am only ingesting water so far ,my hip bones are prominent but I need to see some ribs soon.

Love TWLOMB

xoxo

Blogger Virgin

Alright,

I can't guarantee anyone will read this or even follow, but it's my first attempt and I really need blogger to keep track of life.

Wow that was articulate...anyway...more about this blog in future: I am a cutter and I am struggling  with Ana and Mia, but it is a struggle I am going to win, I just need some support in this, hence the Blog.