Goal Weight 2 Reached...Happiness Not Reached

Turns out being Vegan has it's benefits, not just because of IHD (something Heart Disease) Angina or something else, whatever, I just don't get to have caffeine which I drink anyway. Going Vegan, apparently helps the process of health and minimizes the cramps, which it by chance doesn't do, but my parents aren't forcing crap down my throat anymore, mostly veggies, steamed with vinegar a little salt and a teeny bit of pepper (I'm fasting so apologies for describing the freak-in food in detail).

I reached Goal Weigh number 2: 47 kg's, only 7 more to go, total of a round nice 20 lost ,yes please, (non-metrics: I'm 103 lbs, lost 44 lbs)...after this whole boring short post, I just deducted the fact that I was happy for literally a second, and then the number suddenly felt enormous, so fat piggy me will fast this weekend, until Monday, have to have some energy for work and we don't have caffeine tablets available in SA. (Suck Much!?)

I'm on a Gossip Girl week, g2g check Chuck out Team-Bass!

XoXo
...Just Me.

Close to th 100 Meter Mark

Mornings, Don't you love them?

They give you the chance to wake up (that's if your one of the lucky ones who still have those sleep through nights) and glide your hands over our ribcage, and when you realize you don't feel every single one, the wheels start turning, what do I want to do today, restrict? fast? binge and purge?

Or on the other hand you could celebrate a victory ,you won the scale for the first time, but the battle's not over, because over your shoulder you will find Ana, she'll smile, maybe nod, but when she looks closely, she turns her head away in disgust, your definitely not done with this battle, so your choice remains to fast, no choice really.

You walk away feeling your usual self (depressed and useless,an utter waste of too much space) and around the corner comes mom, now here is the story with mom,

she lives with dad, but she lives her life with...let's call him John...she lives her life with John (douche-bag) ,and dad chooses to act like he doesn't know what's going on, but we all think he really does, he just has that look about him,

now mom is crying because dad is ill, and she stumbles upon the youngest (that being me) and tries to make her life even better by stating (now I'm not a CAPS LOCK shouter, so I'll just go regular here) "What's wrong with you!? You look like a skeleton, really, you were beautiful, are you trying to be a skeleton?! Because I have enough problems as it is, I don't need this too!"

Really mom, you don't need this? mmm, well that's just swell, because I don't need a lying mother either, what a picture of perfection you have been.

Drabbing with a smirk to my car and getting a ticket to the Highway to Hell.

I just love mornings.

"What's Your Secret?"

Haven't posted since 20th of September I think, so naturally in all blogging glory I return to vent yet again,

Recap of what happened in one month ,turned 21 (no drinks for me, because I don't need the calories), birthday cake? None. Gifts, pretty awesome, I will be the girl walking down the street listening to my iTouch with Ray Ban Wayfarers ,tuning into U2 to prepare for the live concert, I will be the girl you envy...for a minute, then you will notice my hideous thighs and walk away feeling skinny and accomplished,

Listen up 'wannarexics and wannamia's' ,you DO NOT want to get into this, I fucking hate this disorder, and I know it is one, I realise I'm sick, but I deserve every second of this and not one second of sympathy, I brought this onto myself, and I'll deal with it myself too, no need for a helping hand,

I had a friend, who huddled me into the crook of her shoulder and with the smile of the devil asked me "what's your secret?" 

In 1.5 seconds my mind accumulated the following answer, with a sly smile on my face I would have said: 

"you really want in? You go to that full body mirror in your room, and scrutinize every inch of yourself, better get started now, because there are a thousand more inches you haven't realised you had before, it might take awhile. And once you notice those little dents that weren't there before, you think up a plan so devious ,so cunning, so damn smart, you won't even realise you were signing your contract to purchase a whole load full of insanity, oh and meeting two new friends, their beautiful, everything you want to be, there collarbones are perfect, hips jutting out, every rib can be counted, you can climb into the birdcage, 

Don't be afraid, they will be very welcoming, make sure to get their names, because months maybe years from now they will be the only ones who still love you, you will be taught how to lie, how to pretend, how to sit at night and think about dissapearing with them, into nothingness. And this will never stop.

So here is the secret, eat that biscuit but remember to get rid of it later with your hand down your throat, or leave the biscuit, and every other crumb of nutrition, because you will one day believe that apple you just had is adding to your boasting stomach,

Learn to love your bones, they will be all you think about, all you scream about, all you dream off, all you have left after everyone else has left.

But instead I just lied, as always ,as I always will "regular exercise, healthy eating".

As I said, I fucking hate this disorder. 

Venting Session 1 complete, don't worry 2 will follow.

Through Thick and Thin

Last night I can honestly say was the closest I have ever been to suicide in my whole life,

I broke down completely, just nothing seemed worth living for any more, I had rationalised that everyone would be fine and capable to go on without me and that I was just another breath in the air,

The thing is that I have been collecting pills for over 2 years now, 1 box filled with anything from sleeping pills to painkillers, right through to caffeine tablets.That was my safety net, my way out. And when I couldn't handle it any more I got into my car, took that box with me and went over to my Boyfriends house, he asked me last week to start seeing a psychologist because he can see that I'm depressed.

So I thought he'd be able to help, and just seeing him makes me smile so hard I can't get that smirk off my face for hours.

We got into my car, he drove me to the lake and next moment he throws the box into the water screaming 'Take that mofo' and takes my hand, I just couldn't believe how easy it was for him to throw it out and that it took me 2 years to give it to him, I just feel like this huge weight was lifted yesterday, I can breathe easier today, smile a bit without pretending,

Yeah so I cut and I'm still fasting but I'm going to try to stop, I want to be okay again, I want to be perfect for him, he deserves nothing less, I want to spend my life with that man, my green eyed hero.

Relief exists.

Finally Broke 50's!

You would think I'd be happy? Mmmm

Not so much, I am down to 48 Kg's ,only 5 more to go, but I'm more down in the dumps today than Ive been in a while, it sucks.

I just want to be happy, atleast for 24 freakin hours, I'm doing this to be happy,

why am I not then????

Just really tired of this, I don't want this anymore.

Rough Week

So I wish for some weight loss and I get Mia's Promise, like marriage she stays with me, though only through sickness and not in health. Kinda person I would call a bitch.

Had a rough week (Cue Title) got a pain starting in my stomach, radiating through my back ,thank all heavenly doctors for those pills my McDreamy provided, he was more like McPervert though.

I got down to 49 Kg's FINALLY! Broke the 50's...But now the fight continues...and down to 43 we go, According to some magic freakin website I should be there by the 28th of September, which is just awesome with me, Only one problem remains.Parents.

Wouldn't life be grand without their constant scrutinizing?? Anyone Agree with me? Wow my Mom is like the Bat out of hell,checking every last crumb, 'Your not eating' 'Your eating the wrong things' 'I think you  might have a problem' 'You have your Dad worried'

But Mom, one thing you have to know about me is:

-I am sick, I am tired, I am more willing to let this go than anyone you will find, BUT I won't, because she won't let me, you tell Ana that she is ugly, tell Mia that she is fat, because no matter what you think, when I look in the mirror all I see is the person on this planet I hate the most, the ugly duckling never even inkling towards a swan.

Life's a Bitch and then you die, I'm just helping life along.

Realization

Today ( better said, perched over the porcelain) I realized that at the moment skinny is everything, I love my BF with all my heart, and I thought how this might influence him...but I'll keep on pretending, if he doesn't notice it himself, then there isn't anything to notice, is there.

But I'm not talking about weight, I'm talking about skinny chances, we all make mistakes we run from...I'm just getting in shape I guess, confusing post, but truthful to me at least.

Cutting Not Enough Anymore?

Scars are healing, and fading away...and then got me thinking if I really want to go through all this again, Summer is almost here, and I don't want to HAVE to cover up,then I read this post on one of 'PrettyThin' members signatures:

The Girl That Seemed Unbreakable-Broke

The Girl Who Seemed Strong- Crumbled

The Girl Who Always Laughed- Cried

She Faked A Smile As A Tear Ran Down Her Cheek and Whispered...

"I Can't Do This Anymore" 

and you know what? Maybe I can't.

I just ate McDonalds out of spite, and though it may seem like nonsense to a reader, it's one of the worst thing for me...I can't get it out of my system and it's breaking me just that little bit more...soon there won't be pieces to break anymore.

Water Fast or ABC Diet?

I have been following the ABC for a week, but over the weekend, I did binge a bit, not without purging but since I had the nightmare about Ana and Mia ...I just can't eat without purging...Mia is very strong.

But I am currently still on my 1st goal weight and I need to lose 5 Kg's in 20 Days.

I am currently deciding between the ABC diet and a downright 10 day water fast, or longer if I can manage, I know the water fast will get me there, I just don't have the willpower...I started with it just in case I want to continue with it, but the ABC will keep the weight off permanently,

I just don't want to start with 500 cals, I'm to afraid I'll binge and then want to purge...


I hate ever becoming Ednos...

I just want normalcy again...when my current weight made me feel beautiful.

I'm Tired and Changing

It's almost Midnight in South Africa,

I just finished purging (sorry to those who don't like it) I came up to my room and started cutting...I don' mean for this to be depressing, but here is how I'm feeling:

-physically tired

-emotionally tired

-angry

-sad

-irritated

-weak

-disappointed

-motivated

-determined

I have finally reached breaking point, the part where I don't care what the HELL anyone thinks, not my boyfriend ,not my friends, not my family, just o one except anyone willing to hear me out!?

I'm tired of constantly thinking of food, of weighing, of counting calories, of just being alive now and again, feeling fat and ugly is tiring, HEAR THAT WORLD?? It's Tiring!

I'm tired of pretending, so next time my boyfriend tells me to eat, I'll say no straight to his face, because ANA and MIA are with me, they want what's best for me, and you want me according to your standards! And your standards don't fit into my size jeans!

I will fast because I enjoy feeling empty, I'll eat when I absolutely HAVE to, but you won't stop me anymore!

I'm tired and I'm changing.

Failure

As always I experience failure...lost my MP3...thus I exercise less...and actually stopped fasting to start restricting, I haven't quite been Ana at all these past two weeks, only Mia, I'm on exactly the same weight though.

Blogging only happens when I can't write in my diary and hence I lost my special diary pen (yes I'm OCD on that shit) So I haven't been writing in my diary, my mother and BF are FORCING me to eat and I'm not allowed  to lock the bathroom door...but they go to bed at night...I don't.

I'm not in the mood for venting, I just don't want to cut, I'm eating some corn and peas right now, and we know what's going to happen after this, my little friend 'Ipecac' is visiting.

I just want to take it slowly, almost got hospitalized on Friday, and I know I have these suicidal tendencies (messed p word) but I wasn't ready.

I'm Out.

Strawberry Gashes

I ate at the 21st Birthday and then yesterday was Fathers-Day so I had some lunch, my fasting started again today until Sunday, on Monday the 28th I'll start the ABC diet and hopefully get my piercing.

I am 1 Kg away from my 1st milestone weight, 50 Kg's. And after the fast I'll be heading for Goal Weight Number 2 ,47 Kg.

It's Soccer fever and seeing as I live in the host country, we get off early tomorrow.

On more serious note...or I guess life and time consuming, my thoughts are all over the place, I have been contemplating the worst thoughts, and I don't think cutting is enough this time, I'm just so tired of trying, and more than tired, ready but too scared of dying.

My BF just seems so disinterested these past 2 weeks and truly... I can't handle it, some days I just want to tell him everything, but then he would actually want me to stop what I'm doing, and I really don't want to right now. He told me that I'm getting too skinny...Have you ever felt that to be the wrong thing??? Because I haven't, it's just motivation, I'll stop when I feel it's enough...and that's not now.

Venting Session for today done...strawberry urgencies only making their appearances now.

Goodnight South Africa...Hello Fasting day 2.

21st Parties...The Fight Begins

Okay, so it's my friends birthday and he is turning 21, it is a huge deal. I've got my outfit planned ,(going as either Joan Jett from The Runaways, or Jane from The Twilight Saga) ,But the only thing I'm worried about is that I cheat tonight, I have been fasting for 5 Days with only water but tonight everyone will be watching, I'm just praying they don't notice. I've already lost 5 Kg's this week, so it might be noticeable.

I'm still feeling fine, just a bit woozy now and then when I get up, and my muscles are a bit sore, but the empty feeling in my stomach is the best feeling I can ask for, usually after I binged this is the feeling I crave.

That's all for today,

Skip Dinner And End Up Thinner!

xoxo

Fasting

I have been fasting for 3 days now and my stats at the moment are as follow:

Highest Weight: 67 Kg (148 lbs)

Current Weight: 53 Kg (116 lbs)

Lowest Weight: 47 Kg (103 lbs)

Goal Weight: 45 Kg (99 lbs)

I am starting to feel faint and my heart rate is slowing down but I need to fast for 10 Days, I need some tips on how to regain some energy WITHOUT eating, on the 28th of June I will start with the ABC diet and continue to do so until I reach my goal.

For today that's all, I am only ingesting water so far ,my hip bones are prominent but I need to see some ribs soon.

Love TWLOMB

xoxo

Blogger Virgin

Alright,

I can't guarantee anyone will read this or even follow, but it's my first attempt and I really need blogger to keep track of life.

Wow that was articulate...anyway...more about this blog in future: I am a cutter and I am struggling  with Ana and Mia, but it is a struggle I am going to win, I just need some support in this, hence the Blog.