Close to th 100 Meter Mark

Mornings, Don't you love them?

They give you the chance to wake up (that's if your one of the lucky ones who still have those sleep through nights) and glide your hands over our ribcage, and when you realize you don't feel every single one, the wheels start turning, what do I want to do today, restrict? fast? binge and purge?

Or on the other hand you could celebrate a victory ,you won the scale for the first time, but the battle's not over, because over your shoulder you will find Ana, she'll smile, maybe nod, but when she looks closely, she turns her head away in disgust, your definitely not done with this battle, so your choice remains to fast, no choice really.

You walk away feeling your usual self (depressed and useless,an utter waste of too much space) and around the corner comes mom, now here is the story with mom,

she lives with dad, but she lives her life with...let's call him John...she lives her life with John (douche-bag) ,and dad chooses to act like he doesn't know what's going on, but we all think he really does, he just has that look about him,

now mom is crying because dad is ill, and she stumbles upon the youngest (that being me) and tries to make her life even better by stating (now I'm not a CAPS LOCK shouter, so I'll just go regular here) "What's wrong with you!? You look like a skeleton, really, you were beautiful, are you trying to be a skeleton?! Because I have enough problems as it is, I don't need this too!"

Really mom, you don't need this? mmm, well that's just swell, because I don't need a lying mother either, what a picture of perfection you have been.

Drabbing with a smirk to my car and getting a ticket to the Highway to Hell.

I just love mornings.

"What's Your Secret?"

Haven't posted since 20th of September I think, so naturally in all blogging glory I return to vent yet again,

Recap of what happened in one month ,turned 21 (no drinks for me, because I don't need the calories), birthday cake? None. Gifts, pretty awesome, I will be the girl walking down the street listening to my iTouch with Ray Ban Wayfarers ,tuning into U2 to prepare for the live concert, I will be the girl you envy...for a minute, then you will notice my hideous thighs and walk away feeling skinny and accomplished,

Listen up 'wannarexics and wannamia's' ,you DO NOT want to get into this, I fucking hate this disorder, and I know it is one, I realise I'm sick, but I deserve every second of this and not one second of sympathy, I brought this onto myself, and I'll deal with it myself too, no need for a helping hand,

I had a friend, who huddled me into the crook of her shoulder and with the smile of the devil asked me "what's your secret?" 

In 1.5 seconds my mind accumulated the following answer, with a sly smile on my face I would have said: 

"you really want in? You go to that full body mirror in your room, and scrutinize every inch of yourself, better get started now, because there are a thousand more inches you haven't realised you had before, it might take awhile. And once you notice those little dents that weren't there before, you think up a plan so devious ,so cunning, so damn smart, you won't even realise you were signing your contract to purchase a whole load full of insanity, oh and meeting two new friends, their beautiful, everything you want to be, there collarbones are perfect, hips jutting out, every rib can be counted, you can climb into the birdcage, 

Don't be afraid, they will be very welcoming, make sure to get their names, because months maybe years from now they will be the only ones who still love you, you will be taught how to lie, how to pretend, how to sit at night and think about dissapearing with them, into nothingness. And this will never stop.

So here is the secret, eat that biscuit but remember to get rid of it later with your hand down your throat, or leave the biscuit, and every other crumb of nutrition, because you will one day believe that apple you just had is adding to your boasting stomach,

Learn to love your bones, they will be all you think about, all you scream about, all you dream off, all you have left after everyone else has left.

But instead I just lied, as always ,as I always will "regular exercise, healthy eating".

As I said, I fucking hate this disorder. 

Venting Session 1 complete, don't worry 2 will follow.