I'm Tired and Changing

It's almost Midnight in South Africa,

I just finished purging (sorry to those who don't like it) I came up to my room and started cutting...I don' mean for this to be depressing, but here is how I'm feeling:

-physically tired

-emotionally tired

-angry

-sad

-irritated

-weak

-disappointed

-motivated

-determined

I have finally reached breaking point, the part where I don't care what the HELL anyone thinks, not my boyfriend ,not my friends, not my family, just o one except anyone willing to hear me out!?

I'm tired of constantly thinking of food, of weighing, of counting calories, of just being alive now and again, feeling fat and ugly is tiring, HEAR THAT WORLD?? It's Tiring!

I'm tired of pretending, so next time my boyfriend tells me to eat, I'll say no straight to his face, because ANA and MIA are with me, they want what's best for me, and you want me according to your standards! And your standards don't fit into my size jeans!

I will fast because I enjoy feeling empty, I'll eat when I absolutely HAVE to, but you won't stop me anymore!

I'm tired and I'm changing.

Failure

As always I experience failure...lost my MP3...thus I exercise less...and actually stopped fasting to start restricting, I haven't quite been Ana at all these past two weeks, only Mia, I'm on exactly the same weight though.

Blogging only happens when I can't write in my diary and hence I lost my special diary pen (yes I'm OCD on that shit) So I haven't been writing in my diary, my mother and BF are FORCING me to eat and I'm not allowed  to lock the bathroom door...but they go to bed at night...I don't.

I'm not in the mood for venting, I just don't want to cut, I'm eating some corn and peas right now, and we know what's going to happen after this, my little friend 'Ipecac' is visiting.

I just want to take it slowly, almost got hospitalized on Friday, and I know I have these suicidal tendencies (messed p word) but I wasn't ready.

I'm Out.